Nickname: Sparksy.

Date of birth: 29/5/80.

Birthplace: Maidstone.

Occupation: Sales trainer at Saga.

Marital status: Living with my girlfriend.

Previous clubs: Too many to name. Can’t be as many as Paul Hyde: The Gills and Rushden (as a schoolboy), Ashford, Dover, Hythe Town – all as an outfield player, a winger. Then I injured my knee and switched to keeping. Then it was Saga before coming here two years ago. And don’t forget Sutton Saints Under-10s.

How did you get roped into Hythe: Through Dave Johncock [who was also Sparksy’s manager at Saga]. 

What’s his management style like: He can talk forever, you would never want him to be your best man. He loves the sound of his own voice.

Does he ever give the team a rollicking: He sometimes tries. Daff [Stuart Daffin] usually ends up laughing at him.

Any reserve team players we should look out for: Danny Pickering as a stand-up comedian – he’s quality.

Favourite team other than Hythe: Spurs.

Favourite ground other than Reachfields: White Hart Lane.

Have you ever played there then: No. Then that doesn’t count: Priestfield.

Least favourite ground: Cray Wanderers.

Favourite music: Cheese [what? – ed].

Favourite film: Dirty Dancing.

Favourite holiday resort: Ibiza.

Favourite drink: Red wine and Guiness, not in the same glass.

Favourite sport other than football: Boxing – watching, I’m too pretty to do it.

Why are you sponsored each year by Pussy Cats (Gold Card Member): It’s a complete mystery to me. 

Describe yourself in up to five words: Too good looking to do [what, again? – ed]

Toughest opponent in training: The hills when we go running.

Favourite Hythe player: Myself.

Which famous player do you think you play like: David Beckham.

Most embarrassing moment in football: It involved Sam Marsh’s mother, but that’s as far as I’m willing to tell.

Who is the most famous person you’ve met: Ronald McDonald.

Tell us something about yourself that we don’t know: That would involve Sam Marsh’s mum again.